Why would you intentionally make someone hate you? Why would you make anyone want to feel hate? Why? You know how it feels to truly hate someone and you know that it's an awful feeling. So why would you make someone feel that? Do you get anything out of that? Does it make you happy? Why?
Do you read what I write? Yes, I'll admit, I'm contradicting and confusing and I never know what to feel. But I do know that I never wanted to hate you again. I don't like hate. It's vile and awful and toxic and I don't like feeling that way.
To be honest, you and I existed in balance rarely. It's hard to remember the good things when, more often than not, there were bad things. I won't sugarcoat this anymore: YOU were half the reason I was suicidal so often. Your leaving physically hurt me because I didn't want to live in a world without you. I loved you so much, I made you my world, my everything. How could I go on when I had nothing? How could you expect me to just move on? I couldn't. God, I still can't. There's that really thin thread that still attaches me to you that I don't want to break because that means I lose everything that made me who I am. I never wanted this.
Look, I've been painting you into the villain again and that's not right. I know it's not and I still do it. Call me a hypocrite, fine, I know I am. But just because I write out the bad doesn't mean I forgot the good.
I remember every laugh, every beautiful moment, every perfect moment that I had with you. I remember that when we weren't at each other's throats, you were the most loving person with me, always there to listen to me complain about everything. I remember the bus ride back from a football game where you first sang to me, softly in my ear, and how I fell even more in love with you. I remember the day at the lake when I sat beside you, looking over the scene before me and thinking, "this is what the call 'a perfect moment'". I have every single poem, every letter, every code, neatly put away in a folder that I don't dare touch for fear of falling apart for you again. I remember all the good times as well as the bad, even if I don't talk about them much. Don't act like I forgot about them. I can't.
I don't want to fight anymore. I'm tired of it, exhausted. I just want to leave you knowing that you don't hate me and that I don't hate you. Hell, that's why I'm in therapy; to sort out the mess left behind from our relationship. Face it, mate: you didn't get me fairly when we first started out. You conned another guy out of a relationship with by revealing things to him that weren't meant to happen. That wasn't fair and years later, he's finally forgiven you for it and he hates you.
Our relationship was by no means balanced or perfect because we were kids. Kids who were learning about love, who chose each other to learn from, and who messed up a lot along the way. You can't take every word as a promise. People are flawed and imperfect.
[sigh] we're not perfect. We never were. But as bad as we were, we were also wonderful. I'll admit that: I loved you and you were the dream I didn't know I was asking for until you were there. The moment I laid eyes on you, I felt something different. Tiny, very miniscule but different. I can't say I feel that anymore but also can't say that I can. Lord knows that if you ever asked me to be yours again, we'd start the cycle over. Of course, I'd also lose all my friends and my mum would hate me but I'd be happy with you.
The thing is, you just don't make me happy the way you once did anymore. That isn't to say that you don't make me happy because that week we were being civil to each other, my face lit up when I got a text from you. I was happy talking to you. I just didn't feel the pang of longing in my chest anymore because after so long, I finally moved on. I like someone else and he's a great guy. He's got all your good qualities and he's immensely supportive of me. I'm glad; I sure can pick them.
I don't want to hate you. I don't want to fight. I want to look you in the eye and say "thank you but I'm done. It's been an interesting ride, but no more." I wish we could be friends but we're just not compatible. I guess it happens throughout your life; you can't like everyone and everyone can't like you.
I tell my therapist a lot about you and she made me realize something: people are multifaceted. A person who is good for one person can be toxic for another. That doesn't mean that the person is bad, though. They just aren't right for some people. And you and I aren't right for each other.
I miss you, though. I'm so used to your presence in my life that I can feel that little missing piece. But there are more pieces to this puzzle that can fit in the space. It doesn't have to be you. I can miss you all I want but at the end of the day, I know what choice I have to make. I can't allow you to be in my life again. I'm sorry, but I can't. I hope you understand.
Listening to: Call Me Baby - EXO-K (oh the irony)